Now that I've written the story behind Rainlily- and why I started writing poetry in general- the next step in my process was to finish my manuscript and ultimately publish it. In November of last year, I came across the thousands of lit mags and presses across the web, and I wanted more than anything to submit my manuscript to a publisher in the hopes of it getting picked up. I was determined to finish my book as soon as humanly possible to start submitting it.
It took me weeks of obsessing and worrying to realize that my manuscript was not finished. The writing was a lot better than it had been months prior, but it was still nowhere where I wanted it to be. And besides- the story still wasn't over. So many of the poems from Rainlily that I love hadn't been written yet, like "Vessel," "Ghost Girl," or "These Are the Things That Shape Us." Though it was painful for me and my I-have-to-get-this-done-right-this-minute personality, I made myself slow down. Over the next few months, I continually edited my manuscript and rewrote many of the poems I felt weren't strong enough. I didn't force myself to write the pieces, but only did when I felt it was time and I had the words.
By the end of February, my manuscript was finally finished, and I was ecstatic with the result. I felt like I truly had something beautiful and good in my hands, something I could be proud of. And, I had a title! Originally I had come up with a few ideas and the best one at the time was Fever Dreams, but I soon realized that this title didn't fit. I think I was Googling symbols for healing or resilience, something to point me in the right direction to better ideas, when somewhere along my search I came across the rain lily- the flower that blooms only after it's rained. It felt perfect. And why did I decide to push it together into one word? I don't really know. I think I just thought it looked better.
Thus, the next step was to publish. I sent out my manuscript to a few presses and waited, because that's what I felt you're supposed to do. I was completely against self-publishing- I still believed the stigma that self-publishing is only for authors who aren't good enough to get picked up by a real press. And I was determined to prove myself to be "good enough." I was prepared to submit to as many places as it took for my work to finally be accepted, and never give up.
But while I waited for a response to my submissions, I also worried. What if the editor doesn't see eye to eye with my vision for what I want this book to be? What if they don't let me have any say about the cover art- and they come up with something I absolutely hate? What if it takes years and years for this book to finally see the light of day, and by that time I've already forgotten how passionate I was to share this story? I ignored my own concerns, telling myself this is just what all the good poets do.
My friend Zane self-published his own book of poetry, he(art), and I think that's what inspired me to think that maybe I should self-publish too. I thought of every single pro and con to try and convince myself not to do it- but at the end of the day. I asked myself, What is it that I want for this book? What would be best for me, and my book? And that's when I had an epiphany.
I wanted Rainlily to be mine. All mine. No one else's. I wanted it to look exactly how I wanted, and to say exactly what I wanted it to say. Rainlily was my brainchild. It had been my labor of love for the past two years. And my story was so deeply personal, it only made sense that this book would be mine and only mine.
And so I made the executive decision (this is what I say when I make a decision that only I am involved in) to self-publish my first book of poetry. I know there is less prestige when it comes to self-publishing in the literary community, but I don't think it makes me a worse writer than someone who publishes the traditional route. I did what was best for me and my work and my story. And when I was able to hold my book in my hands for the first time, to see all my hard work and pain and strenuous journey become exactly what I had envisioned and dreamed of, I didn't regret my decision, not even for a second.
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